I’ve been meaning to clean and rearrange my room for the longest time. It’s been the same set-up since I moved back home to San Jose and bits and pieces of junk and doodads have just piled up on top of each other in my room.
So after a long day rummaging through Target and The Container Store—and resting a bit on the couch—I finally got around to tinkering around with my room. Where my desk currently sits is where my bed will go. It’s a little nook in my room that fits my bed perfectly (it’s been placed there before in previous room arrangements). Right above my desk is a shelf with some twine hanging underneath it. Hanging by paperclips on the twine were notes, cards, and pictures. To the left of my desk on an adjacent wall is a dry-erase calendar. It hasn’t been touched in months. Stuck to it by magnets are more little notes. Notes on Hello Kitty notepaper and Post-Its. I also have movie tickets and receipts.
I took them all down today and put them away. I didn’t throw them away, but they’re somewhere out of sight where I keep everything else that reminds me.
And it’s moments like this where I get sad and quiet. I stand frozen in my room, my hands on top of the box that stores everything that makes my heart heavy and makes my head hang low. My breathing becomes shallow and I am weak again. It hurts as bad as it did weeks ago. I don’t hurt every day like I used to. The pain and frequency is subsiding. Slowly but surely.
So now the wall is empty. I hope that sorting through the things in my room and rearranging and redecorating will invigorate me somehow. I’m desperately seeking inspiration and purpose again. It’s kind of hard to find when you’re not doing much with your life, isn’t it?